Life is calling...... Where are you??????

I was seriously ill last week and was confined to my bed for the better part of 5 days with nothing but my delusions, hallucinations, medication and the occasional cigarette. After a really long time I was revisited the pleasure of lying helpless in bed nurturing different doomsday scenarios and the probability of each one occurring. (Well personally I think God is going to give us a long and hard end considering what we have done with the planet and let us save this discussion for another day.)

These thoughts invariably lead me to dwell on my own mortal existence and that absolutely terrifies me. I am not necessarily worried about my life coming to end but it is the thought of what I am going to leave behind that is rather worrisome. When I reflect on my life so far I can’t single out one noble cause that I have dedicated myself to with the exception of satisfying my own needs and urges, which is far from being classified as a noble cause universally.

Well, realizing that I have led a very primal life so far is one thing but to chart a meaningful path for the remainder of my life is proving a far more daunting task than I thought. Over the last 3 -4 years I have been trying to identify how I am going to affect the world and sadly, for me, I haven’t been able to come up with anything concrete. The way things seem; I am going to be in the same predicament after another 10 – 15 years and will be in the same clueless and frustrated state. I can’t bring myself to believe that my calling in life is to get married and have children and so they can eventually get married and have children and that happiness comes from sacrificing for the sake of children. This is just a responsibility in life that I will fulfill and according to me this cannot classify as a calling.

Imagine a world where everyone lived to fulfill only their responsibilities. It would have truly been a bland and tasteless world for there would be no artists, no poets, no musicians, no authors, no great statesmen, no dreamers, no thinkers, no change. Please don’t get me wrong here, there is absolutely nothing wrong in centering one’s life around trying to provide the best for one’s progeny, I am just saying that I can’t see myself falling in that slot. The part that really depresses me is that with each passing day I seem to be moving closer to being that person.

It is incredible the void this question has created in my life and it scares me that I may never be able to answer this question and I will eventually die without ever knowing what the purpose of my existence was. I often imagine if there is actually a purpose to anyone’s life. What if we are not here as part of a bigger plan? What if we are no better than the animal that seeks to survive and spread its gene pool? What if the rest of my life is a series of interconnected meaningless accidents? What if I become a contented old fool who will look at this literature someday and wonder how I could have been so stupid? What if I become a blind conformist and love the flow? What if I find my calling ?

If any of you have managed to figure out your calling and if you would like to share it, I would love to hear about it. I also would like any tips that would help me figure out how I should try and shape the rest of my earthly existence.